My blog!

October 3, 2011

Wow, didn’t think I had made that many blog posts, I thought I’d made just a few. I recently remembered I had this place and figured it was worth another look. I guess I felt like writing, as well. I’ve started on my master research and am stressed from time to time. I guess this leads me into wanting to write more, because it can help make me feel better. Looking back, rereading some of my old posts, made me think it’s a shame I don’t write more. Maybe I should write more. It’d be good for improving skill and practising.

So, I’ll tell you about uni now. For just over four weeks I’ve begun on my master research. At the end of it I will have to write a master thesis. I also have to give three presentations, one near the beginning, one in the middle, and one at the end of the project. At the end (hopefully) I’ll have my diploma! (which is what I’m mostly doing it for).

I work at home monday-thursday in the mornings, for about four hours. On friday I go to the university. There is a work meeting I have to attend in the morning. I spend the rest of the morning working there. In the afternoon there is a colloqium I sometimes have to go to – depending on the subject of the lecture. So far I haven’t been to one yet, the subjects didn’t seem relevant to my own subject (more on that in a bit) and to be honest I have been too tired also. I’m only going to uni one day a week but after friday I feel pretty tired. Stress doesn’t help of course. In the weekend I have off and I use the weekend to recover from friday.

I do programming and perform Monte Carlo simulations. Currently of hard spheres, which at the moment I’m extending to be two spheres attached to each other. Later on I will have to make a tetrahedron unit. The spheres represent colloidal particles. A colloid is a particle of certain (small) dimensions, but not as small as nanoparticles. This is how I was taught it, looking it up on wikipedia yields something slightly different for some reasons (I have a book that says otherwise :P). With the tetrahedric unit I hope to find the MgCu2 (I think?) crystal phase.

Especially the programming part is (so far at least, but I don’t expect it to change anytime soon) something I don’t enjoy. It gives me a lot of stress and frustration (when things don’t work out). When things do work out, there is something akin to euphoria (though not always as strong). Apparently it’s part of doing research, these ups and downs. Unfortunately this is not easy for me to deal with, especially the ‘downs’, the frustrations (obviously). I kinda wish I’d known more beforehand, though not sure what I would’ve done with the information. At least though I’d have known and been more prepared for it.

I get stressed frequently, especially when things aren’t working the way I want them to. Sometimes even in the weekends I feel stressed, while I should be relaxed instead. In the afternoons during the week (when I work at home), I  can be distracted and while I’m distracted I don’t feel much stress. When the distraction is over though, I usually get stressed again. I’m not sure how to improve this, how to be less stressed. Gladly though I can talk about it, which helps a bit. I’m also sure I’ll be less stressed when my boyfriend is here.

On a whole other note: I used to write here about video games but for the past while I don’t play many video games anymore. I do read about them but I don’t play them that much anymore. They just cost too much energy, especially now that I’ve begun with my research. I find it a real shame, I still have loads of possibly awesome games to play but I’m afraid I’ll not have the energy to really play a lot of games. I also have to admit that I get frustrated, perhaps more easily these days (though I’m not sure) and thus I can’t play games that are in any way difficult. Or rather, I can try but will end up not finishing the game. I have a lot of unfinished games really, though if you look on the internet I’m not the only one. (oh, BTW I did finish Dragon Age: Origins (awesome game) and Mass Effect 2 as well (great game also).

Instead, I read a lot. Reading doesn’t cost as much energy and I do love to read. I have a lot of books and can read quite fast.

Anyway, it’d be nice to post here more often, let’s see how it goes!

Balance

October 3, 2011

Written in 2009

Sometimes I don’t feel like reading much about these certain subjects that are possibly offensive. I think it is important to find a balance, to when you do and don’t want to be subjected to certain (possibly offensive) things.

Delays…

October 3, 2011

Written in 2009

It happens every once in a while. And often there’s not much you can do about it. That doesn’t mean you have no right to be slightly annoyed, or tired (or often, both). On wednesday I had a delay with the trains of about an hour and 45 minutes, on thursday I had an even longer delay with the plane. I got there in the end, at least. That’s the most important thing. What I find remarkable, or perhaps that isn’t the right word, is that in times like this people seek out each other and are more likely to help one another. I met some nice people in the train and the plane (well, the train station and airport, respectively). Talking with strangers – or actually, interacting with strangers (because that term includes body language) – tires me. It is nice though to not feel completely dependent on oneself even if it is tiring. And tiring it is – my headache is still there – or maybe again. In the end the interaction with kind strangers is (one of) the positive side(s) of delays – the negatives being somewhat obvious of course.

Props to EA

December 10, 2009

Both Mass Effect (PC) and Burnout Paradise (PC) have a system where you have a number of installs, and after that it’s over; you’ll have to contact support. Spore has a revoke tool but only recently I found out that ME and Burnout have one too! Which has me cheering since this is something I wanted for a while. So props to EA for releasing a revoke tool :). I have a lot less problems with this limited key system if you can revoke a key (although I don’t know how it works if you computer crashes before you can revoke it..), up to now I thought you could not and since Windows tends to get slower after a while (and possibly messed up, for some reason windows updates should help but they don’t always) and you upgrade your computer and so on, you would lose the game when all licenses are used up. So props to EA for doing this (yes, I know it’s released some time ago, my previous searches yielded nothing at the time). Despite that, I prefer the old system with a CD (DVD) and a key, compared to this you have x amount of  licenses etc. So good job EA, this tool is a good idea!

Yeah my computer was acting up, that’s why I searched for this tool. It’s been having crashes for a while but I’m having trouble to determine what’s causing it. At the moment I’m leaning towards either overheating of the cpu, RAM issue or a windows (registry) issue. Possibly more than one cause, since I have various types of crashes at certain moments I don’t think it is a single cause.

Make-up, high-heels, no armpit hair, big breasts and a thin body: the ultimate media ugly fake.

December 10, 2009

Since no one has seen this site but me (unless someone randomly typed in this address), it’d be ok for me to post my opinion. Well, that’s what I’ve been doing but today I wanted to post about another subject. One that I feel differently about compared to most people. Make-up and high heels. Let me start with the latter, since that might be the shortest one.

Recently I was talking with my classmates and one of them just bought new shoes. Both of them are guys, he said he really needed some new shoes. Anyway, I said they looked nice, and that I needed some new shoes myself but that at the moment the fashion for women seems to be boots and high-heel shoes or something, since I couldn’t find anything but that, yet. I can’t remember precisely how the conversation progressed but it came down to this. They didn’t like boots or high-heel shoes either, one of them even mentioned women (or girls) having their trousers tucked in them. It was a good conversation, it’s good to find people agreeing with oneself :). I think I also said that high-heels are bad for feet (which they are). Now I understand that really small people may wear them, to appear taller (I’m a bit short, but I wouldn’t.), but sometimes you see a really tall woman with high-heels and I’m like.. WHY!? I guess some people just like them, despite the fact that it’s really bad for your feet. I have some high-heel shoes (or maybe they’d be more mid-heel?) but I’ve only worn them a few times. I much prefer my normal shoes to be honest. I wish the media would stop with the image, as well. Which isn’t just high-heels, mind.

If I had to draw up one image that the media gives that you should be as a woman, it’d be this: high-heels, quite a bit of make-up, blonde hair (EDIT 2020: white skin), big breasts (compared to body), thin body. That this person would be out of proportion and would have a sore back, is not taken into consideration. She would also have aching feet after a while, and her natural beauty wouldn’t be allowed out.

Which brings me to the other point: make-up. Personally, I don’t like it. I can’t really stand the feeling on me. My skin is sensitive. I’ve worn lipstick once when I was a child (school made me) and I didn’t like it at all. I’ve worn nail polish as well when I was a little girl but also just a few times I think. My personal opinion is, make-up doesn’t make me better looking. This is how I feel about it. For other people, I also think it doesn’t make them any more beautiful. I know there are many people who disagree. But this is my opinion. Just like art is personal ;). People in my family wear make-up on occasion, but personally I prefer them without. They just look better that way (more beautiful) as well as more natural. I think the movie and television industry really doesn’t help there, when children are young they see adults behave a certain way and many of them will copy that behaviour. This applies to many more things than just make-up, obviously. Just like children who see their parents smoke or drink (in front of them) are more likely to do it themselves when they’re older.

Here’s another thing that seems to be playing in our society for the past.. well quite a long time. Whenever you go to the beach or whenever you see a movie or television series, generally women (and girls) shave their armpits. The men generally do not. I can’t go to the beach without being one of the few that looks different there (despite the fact that having a few hairs under your arm is completely natural), sometimes I even get weird looks (or I could be imagining this). People, this hair is NATURAL! Pull your head out of the sand, it doesn’t bother me (by itself) that there’s a few natural hairs under my arm, they don’t itch me, they don’t hurt me, so why does it bother you so. Because I look different? The hairs themselves don’t bother me, it’s the people and their looks that bother me. In fact some guys would find it unattractive (again, despite the fact that nature made me have a few hairs there), which I always found a little odd. You have hairs under your armpits too you know, just as natural! So you can have them, and I can’t? What ******** is that? Anyway, I’ve only discussed that subject a few years ago with a few people, it’s not something you’d discuss with just anyone really. Let me go on a crazy thought here and say that the media might be trying to push this image through so the companies who make certain (beauty) products get more money? The media lets us believe we aren’t good enough the way we are. It wants us to believe we need cremes, dyed hair (no grey hair!), no hairs under armpits or on legs (arms are not much talked about I think?), big breasts, make-up every day…

I believe this. I’m right the way I am. Many, many times media or people, or companies have tried to convince me otherwise. They had me believing it for quite a while. But it is not so. I’m perfectly fine the way I am, and if some stranger doesn’t like that, too bad. So what if my hair is brown? I love its dark brown colour (several tints, really). So what if I have glasses? I can’t see without them otherwise. So what if I have a body that’s in proportion? Who are you anyway stranger, that you’re looking at me in that way!

I’m glad I can be me when I’m alone and when I’m with my boyfriend. He is really supportive and feels the same as I do about many things. He thinks I look beautiful (I don’t wear make-up), he likes my shoes, and he loves my hair, as well as the rest of me.  He is perfect.

Does it..?

December 10, 2009

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder.. does it actually make a difference what people write? I mean – does it have any effect on the game industry, or are they just ignoring what I call the “sane people” and continue to put out sexist content? I’ve run into (not literally) quite a few people, especially younger people, who don’t think about whether this content is sexist but only care about ‘whoa I’m 14 and see naked female pixels’ etc etc.  It doesn’t seem to matter what I say or do, they seem to be stuck in their ways of thinking (or even used what I now know to be as flawed arguments). I’ve never been that great at convincing people, to be honest. The people I have discussions with are people stuck in their opinion, just like I won’t change mine, either. Anyway I guess sometimes I just feel a little powerless, because sexist content keeps being made and I’m not sure if we (as people who do not like this) can do anything about it in the end. Well, of course we can do certain things but it won’t stop sexist content – probably because there’s always gonna be that selfish jerk with his/hers “I don’t care **** what anyone but me thinks”.

But then again, we’ve come this far, women can study and have jobs just like men, people then didn’t give up either did they? I couldn’t give up if I wanted, I guess. I could not write about it here but it’ll always be a feeling inside whenever I encounter content that annoys me.

I finished the Last Remnant & read some more books

December 8, 2009

I typed a post but for some reason it was gone when I tried to add tags :(. Not sure if I want to write it again so I’ll just give a shorter summary. A bit tired at the moment you see.

I’ve finished The Last Remnant. Last time I wrote about it, I was already pretty close to finishing the game. It’s nice to have finished it, I can’t say anything about the ending though in case of spoilers (although I haven’t actually told anyone about this website yet or linked to it anywhere – yet. Content is key.).

I’ve also read a few more books – pretty good ones usually :). I’m reading more (romance) novels the past year or so (or half year?) than before. I guess I never really came across any good ones before (there are only specific ones I wish to read, really. Certain things I don’t want to read about. Quite frankly I do think in general books are better in their original language, as well, compared to the translation. Anyway). I used to read a lot of fantasy books (the past five-ten years), still do from time to time (still a lot to read). I’m also into sci-fi more the past year (or year and a half, maybe). I suppose me watching a sci-fi television series helps there, it made me realise sci-fi could be a fun genre to read. I also have some famous literature but I haven’t read most of them yet. Anyway, especially in regards to the romance novels (which I’ve read more of), it feels good to broaden my horizon in that sense. I really like watching (romantic) comedies (films), but some time ago it occured to me I’d not actually come across many good romantic books or novels. I’ve liked reading fantasy books for a long time. I read a lot of books at the library when I was a kid, most of those would be called novels I guess. Most weren’t about love but about things in life, school, family. When I got older most of the books I read were fantasy books, I kinda lost track of that part of me that likes to read novels, stories, romance, deep life things, family stuff. It feels good to be in touch with that part as well. I watch romantic comedies so I had it through there but it feels good to read it in books as well. I love to read and this only adds to it.

To be honest I’ve been reading more the past while than the while before that. I don’t know when exactly though (I know, it seems like a silly sentence). But I’m kinda glad to be reading more, it’s very nice to read a good story, with plot twists. A good story can be moving, surprising and can also make you think sometimes.

Vagueness at the train station

December 7, 2009

Next year the ticket system for public transport will be changed here. I’ve recieved a flyer which says I need to activate my card at certain machines (with a picture). I’ve looked but I couldn’t find anything resembling the picture at the train stations, or anything I could use the active the card before I can use it. Today I went to the ticket service at the station and asked where I could find a machine. They told me that they didn’t know much about it, that it was already activated and that I wouldn’t need to check in and out, during the week at least. So I’m a little confused now because the flyer said something else. No idea what to do. Vagueness ><.

I don’t like it when things are too vague, to be honest. Not much I can do about it at the moment, but thought I’d write it down. I used to write quite a bit about things like this, with metaphores and what not. Very tempting to use one (if only for nostalgia’s sake, that I can only share with myself because I’ve never told anyone my metaphore for vagueness)..

Courses at university

December 7, 2009

I talked with my classmates at uni (university) today. They asked what courses I’d done and were impressed by it (I felt flattered! No one’s (at uni) ever really said that to me.). They said it’s an impressive cv. So now I’m wondering, when you apply for a job do they just check for your diploma or do they actually go through your courses? I’ve never really thought about it, I suppose if you look at it, I have done a lot of (good) courses. So now I feel a little more proud of myself :), it gives some confidence.  It was nice to talk with my classmates for a bit.

Thinking about the past

December 6, 2009

I used to be someone who reflected a lot on the past, the negative and positive of it. For quite a while I’ve found myself not really thinking much about the lesser sides of my past anymore – I do think of the positive ones sometimes but not as much anymore either. I used to get sad rather easily by thinking about bad stuff that’s happened but I’m not doing this anymore. I do still save and cherish many items from the past, and I wouldn’t happily part with them. The past two years (well, roughly) I’ve felt much more happy than I’ve ever been in my life. Everything before it just seems more shallow somehow, as if I was but a shade of myself. I have many fond memories of things, this is true, but only the past two years I feel like I’m really living (if that makes any sense).

One can ponder whether it is good not to think about negative sides of the past anymore. Am I repressing bad memories? Pushing them away? Or is it simply choosing not to address these fiddlets of thoughts clambering through my mind, instead letting them find a place to float down to like a feather in the sky?

I do not believe it is bad what I’m doing. I’m happy, and thinking back of the past is not something I might enjoy (aside from, obviously, the good memories). When talking about “past” I’m referring to the lesser nice things prior to the aforementioned two years. Thinking back about last year isn’t something I do a lot, either, but, seeing as my memories are happier there in general, it does happen more often (does that make sense?).

Anyway, the reason this topic came up was because my parents were given parts of video of their children on tape, on DVD, from when we were young. They watched it last night and during dinner the topic came up. They really enjoyed it, which is very nice. I told them I don’t watch it anymore (nor my photo album) because it makes me feel sad, uneasy, uncomfortable, bad. I see myself at a young age and what I want to do at that moment is to tell her that everything is going to be okay. That’s something I rather doubted when I was a child. I can read it on my (as a child) face sometimes, what I must’ve been thinking (whether consciously or not). I guess it reminds me of my unhappyness, of how I felt, of things that happened. Of how I didn’t understand so many things.

I thought it might be something to write about in my blog. I could say more about it but I’d rather not think more about it or become any more specific in case I show this to anyone I don’t know all that well.